


Listen to the sound of my heart beating

by chocolatecastleinthesky



Series: Freckles and Constellations [1]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish is Bad at Feelings, Awkwardness, Drinking, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mixed Tape, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch is Bad at Feelings, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-03-20 00:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18981838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatecastleinthesky/pseuds/chocolatecastleinthesky
Summary: Ronan and Adam stumble through this thing called a relationship; finding friends and comfort?It's really just a fluffy different get together I suppose.





	1. What's the difference?

**Author's Note:**

> Eileen Carney Hulme "Belonging"
> 
> small spaces of silence  
> in between borrowed breaths  
> arms tighten  
> at the whisper of a name
> 
> all the words of the heart  
> the unanswered questions  
> are at this moment  
> blue rolling waves
> 
> unbeta-ed  
> I think Ronan would listen to Vesperteen (check them out if you don't know them!) but I didn't know exactly how to incorporate them... yet.

**Chapter One**

Ronan was frustrated. He didn’t know exactly what set him off but he stormed out of Monmouth and sped off to some Aglionby party he didn’t want to be at, but he knew there would be good and free alcohol there. He was a few drinks in when some drunk asshole starts to harass him. Ronan had no idea why drunk guys thought it would be fun to try and provoke him.

“Where’s your faggot Kavinsky? Or are you fucking Gansey now? Seems I can’t keep up with your boyfriends, Lynch.” The guy sneered as he spat each name out to him. Ronan could feel his blood boiling, but he didn’t know if it was Gansey’s voice or another telling him to back down from this fight. Ronan just flicked him off and left. He didn’t care where he was going but it wasn’t back in there.

* * *

 

Adam’s cheap cell phone blinked. It was one indulgence he allowed from Gansey, because it meant he could keep in touch with work and friends. The buzzing finally alerted him to it, pulling him out of his chemistry notes. Gansey’s name lit up the screen, covering the 12:45am up. “What’s going on?”

“Ronan is gone. Again.” Gansey sounded fed up. It wasn’t the first or last time Adam would get this call, he knew.

“And you want us to clean up whatever mess he made?” Adam didn’t mean to sound harsh, but he was exasperated and tired after getting up for his morning job, attending school, going to his afternoon job, and now doing homework.

He heard a sigh from the line. “Adam, just let me know if you see him. You don’t need to look for him.” Adam shook his head, his hair falling into his eyes just a little. He would need a cut soon.

“It’s fine. I’ll take a look around the church and call if I see him in there or something.” It wasn’t an absurd idea. Ronan’s religion didn’t make sense to all of them, but it was one thing Ronan truly was present for.

Adam reluctantly got up and stretched, realizing he’d been crouched over for at least two hours. He shuffled down the stairs, making his way outside. He blinked a few times when he saw the black BMW sitting in the parking lot. Quietly, he joined Ronan in the car. Ronan huffed, and Adam smelled the mixture of alcohols.

“What the fuck, Ronan? Get out of the driver’s seat!” Ronan rolled his eyes but obliged. “What are you even doing here?” Adam followed up once they had switched sides of the car. “Trying to get yourself killed? Arrested?”

“I stopped myself from getting arrested. I just… fuck, can we just go to Cabeswater?” It wasn’t that unusual for Ronan to ask Adam to join him there, given his connection. Adam sighed and turned the car back on. “Don’t fuck up my car, Parrish.”

“Right, like you couldn’t dream up a way to fix it.” Adam’s dry reply was met with scowling. The drive was quiet, like a storm brewing in the distance. Adam could feel the growing tension with every bone in his body, and his heart raced with disturbing familiarity _. It’s just Ronan. You and Ronan going to Cabeswater. It’s not… him._ Adam’s racing thoughts had him hitting the accelerator harder than usual, earning a look from Ronan.

They finally arrived, and Ronan stormed out the car. Adam quietly followed. They hadn’t entered Cabeswater, not yet. The final stretch had to be done on foot. But instead of walking in that direction, Adam was following Ronan to a tree not far away. He promptly grunted and punched the tree, blood quickly gathering on his knuckles. For not the first time that night, Adam yelled at him, “What the fuck, Lynch!” As Ronan went to swing again, Adam stepped into the way. Ronan’s arm stopped a moment from connecting with Adam’s face, his eyes wide in shock and fear. With a few scraggly breaths, he turned towards Cabeswater, leaving Adam to follow him yet again.

Cabeswater matched Ronan’s mood – sweltering and overcast. A stream gurgled past and in the sudden heat, Adam rolled up his pant legs, removed his shoes, and stepped into the refreshing water. Ronan was pacing, steaming. “So you gonna tell me what happened?” Ronan glared. “Whatever. Stew in it.” Adam turned to kicking up water with a scowl.

Ronan’s words come out fast and furious. “Why the fuck do they think they can do that? Just insult and antagonize me. I didn’t hit anyone, Parrish, don’t give me that look. I fucking wanted to! Punch them in their shit heads and make them quit talking out of their useless asshole of a mouth. Thinking they can get away with anything.”

“Who? Why were they bothering you?”

“Some fucking assholes from school at some stupid shit ass party. I only went for the alcohol. I needed something – anything – to take off the edge. So sure, I went to their party. I had a few,” he paused at Adam’s incredulous look, “okay more than a few, drinks. Then some dipshit starts to harass me, acting like I’ve screwed Kavinsky or Gansey! What the actual hell!” He found himself kicking stones into the water, careful to avoid Adam.

Adam approached this cautiously, like a technician aiming to defuse the bomb. Only Adam needed to gather information while defusing the bomb, so perhaps his role was more dangerous. “Why are you letting them bother you? Who gives a damn what some drunk asshole thinks?” His voice was even.

Ronan turned and glared at him. “I just don’t need anyone assuming anything about my dating life!”

Adam was thoughtful but unflinching under Ronan’s angry look. “Not to sound rude, I really don’t mean to, but do you even have a dating life? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you date someone or say you’re interested in someone.”

Ronan abruptly turned, but Adam noticed the flush creeping up towards his shaved head. The stormy skies gathered, and Adam climbed out of the stream and onto a large boulder nearby. “Look, loser, if you’re going to make us stay here and control the weather and all that freaky comic book crap, can you at least give me some sun to dry off?” Adam didn’t see Ronan’s half smile as the sky brightened up in a way that only Cabeswater could. He leaned back against his heads, looking up at the clearer sky.

“You never do talk about it, you know. Even Gansey does and not just since Blue arrived. Now and again around Glendower talk, he’d mention someone he was mildly interested in. You guys have heard me comment on it before. Hell, even Noah has contributed, as weird as that is. Why haven’t you?”

Adam was afraid he had pushed too far when Ronan whirled around and spat out his next words. “Why? What do you want me to say, Parrish? That I’m gay? That I don’t talk to my friends about a guy I might like?”

Adam scoffed. “Like any of us would care. Besides, I think we’ve all seen you check out a guy now and again. And if you did like Kavinsky? Or Gansey? We’d be okay with it. Well, maybe not Kavinsky.” Adam trailed off, thinking about the horrid things Kavinsky did.

“He hopefully fucked off to Hell! That stupid piece of shit…” Ronan glared, fists balled at his side, entire body filled with potential energy, a fire fueled by the alcohol flooding his system.

Adam was softer now, trying to not dwell on the words he let loose. “He was an asshole. But he did like you. He knew you well.”

“Just because he helped me feel alive. That’s the only reason I was ever near him. To race. To fly. To feel anger… something.”

Softer still came out, “And Gansey?”

Ronan stilled a little and sighed, laying on the ground by him, sky darkening just a little. “When we were younger. Like, barely teenagers? He was, is, my best friend. And everyone thinks he’s attractive. But that crush wore off long before my dad died.”

“So why did it piss you off so much? The comments.” Adam thought about sitting up to look at Ronan but feared that would be pressing one too many buttons.

“It doesn’t matter.” He sulked on the ground and the sky darkened even more.

“Is it because you like someone else? That the comments bothered you so much? Or was it because of who they made the comments about?”

“Shut up, Parrish.” The edge made it clear that the topic was off limits.

“If you aren’t going to talk, can we head back? It’s late and I still have homework to do.”

Ronan tried to grab the keys but Adam shook his head. “Nope, I’m still driving.”

In the car, the two didn’t speak to each other. As they got closer to St. Agnes, Ronan hit the side of the door with varying levels of aggressiveness. “And you gripe at me about hurting your car.” Ronan didn’t respond but he stopped hitting it.

When they arrived, Adam insisted that Ronan come up. “You’re not getting these until you sober up.”

“I could always dream a new one, dumb ass.”

Adam grinned, “Maybe that will take up enough time for you to get more alcohol out of your system.” They went upstairs where Adam resumed his position at the desk, his clock now reading 2:37am. Ronan sat in silence on his bed. Adam tried to work, but the pure silence was distracting far more than Ronan’s usual annoyance. “Why are you so freaking quiet?”

“I didn’t want to disrupt you.”

“What makes tonight so special? You never cared about that before.”

“Nothing!” But he continued to be quiet.

“Seriously, what makes tonight so different?” Adam turned to look at the sullen boy slouching on his bed. “You’re here all the time. Never bothered with silence before.”

“I just… I can’t stop! Thinking! It’s driving me up a fucking wall! I can’t… I can’t stop. It’s consuming my fucking life and this dumbshit doesn’t have a clue of course.” Ronan was up and pacing at this point, half unaware of the words flowing out of his mouth, still drunk from earlier in the night. “I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Alcohol doesn’t even help.”

Adam was quiet. The alcohol had really loosened Ronan’s tongue or maybe it was the harassment or some combination thereof. He sighed and turned, standing to lean back against the desk and actually face Ronan. “I don’t know much about dating or crushes to really help here. Haven’t had much experience in that department.” That last sentence was stated with a wry smile.

“What about crushes? Don’t you get those, too?” Ronan rolled his eyes. “Obviously dating hasn’t been my thing either.”

“I try not to think of crushes or having one.”

“Wish I could do that.”

Adam didn’t even realize his next words were said out loud. “It’s easy when you’re like me.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Ronan steeled a gaze at Adam, who suddenly was looking at his old, busted sneakers.

“Why would I waste my time crushing on someone? No one would want someone like me, anyway. Even with Blue… it was a miracle that she agreed to go out with me in the first place and that ended pretty badly, even if we’re friends now. I’m not someone worth crushing on, so I don’t allow myself to entertain the thought of crushing on someone.” Adam stated all of this as a fact, as if he were explaining how gravity worked or what role declensions and conjugations had in Latin. Ronan’s irritation started to boil over again and he kicked at the wall near the bed, back facing Adam. “I don’t want your pity.” This last statement was gravelly, harsh, unwavering.

“It’s not fucking pity!” He stalked over and threw himself on the bed. “It’s never been pity! Not from me and I highly doubt from Gansey. We have never pitied you. We want to help you but that’s not from pity for fucks sake, it’s cuz we care about you.”

“No shoes on my sheets, idiot.” Adam returned to his chair, shaking his head at the disaster this night had been. Ronan groaned in frustration. He can’t remember the last time he had slept without a nightmare or a dream that could possibly be worse than a nightmare. Quietly, almost inaudibly, he said, “This guy must’ve done a number on you.”

Ronan heard this. His body froze but he could not respond, not until his breath returns. It’s a gaspy whisper and Adam almost didn’t hear it, his good ear not facing Ronan. “He has no fucking idea.”

“Probably because you haven’t told him.” Adam smirked at the frustrated boy and was hit by a flying pillow.

He scoffed. “No point.”

“Whatever.” Adam rolled his eyes, turns back to the homework that he has made no progress on since Gansey’s call earlier that night. He can hardly hear Ronan’s next words.

“He’s too good for me.”

Adam’s whole body froze, far too familiar with that feeling, and gulped before he could respond with a nearly witty response. “You overestimate how badass you are.” Once again, there’s no response from the bed. His voice falls back into a whisper. “I get it, though.” He slumped down in his chair, sneaking a glance at Ronan, who was staring at the ceiling splayed out on his bed, only to have his breath catch when Ronan turned on his side to look at him. He quickly grabbed a book from beside the desk and turned into it, blushing, with no clue what page or subject he’s on.

It was too much for Ronan to handle. Watching and hearing Adam’s lack of self confidence, lack of self esteem. He jumped off the bed, cussing out Adam’s family for making him feel like that. Adam just looked at him in surprise. “I don’t get why you’re so angry about it.” Because Ronan always is. Gansey was angry but in a backburner kind of angry that slowly boils. Ronan is a blast of heat, ready to hit Adam’s piss poor excuse of a father at any given moment.

Ronan stopped mid pace and glared at the floor, still cursing but in a more generalized way now. He glanced at Adam and all rational thought fled his mind. Adam, sitting there, looking at him like he should be okay with everything that has happened and Adam, sitting there, a little flushed from all the emotion spewing out tonight, and Adam, sitting there, more than a bit drowsy but too stubborn to sleep, and he stomped over before his brain could catch up with his body and lightly kissed Adam’s chapped lips, his hand gentle on Adam’s scruffy jaw. Before their lips had parted, Ronan muttered, “Now do you get it?”

Reason flew into his head and Ronan rushed out of the apartment, filled with panic and shame. He climbed into the driver’s side of the BMW and leaned his forehead against the steering wheel in shock. He didn’t feel drunk anymore. He had never felt so alive, either. Not when dreaming things into existence. Not when street racing and speeding over hills. His eyes closed, and he thinks of lips, slightly chapped but incredibly soft nonetheless. He absentmindedly touched his own.

Air suddenly hit him as the passenger side door opened and closed. He didn’t move, trying to prepare himself for the worse. Adam just sat quietly, still processing everything that had happened. Finally, Ronan couldn’t take the silence, the tension floating between them. He sputtered out his words, sounds flushing together. “I didn’t mean to pour everything out and then when I did I didn’t mean to give a name but you were sitting there and calling yourself unworthy and dammit Adam I needed to do something I snapped I just needed to show you that… that...” He spoke to the steering wheel, not once lifting his head, his heart constricting in his chest. His breathing was labored and he felt lightheaded.

“Ronan.” A whisper. Head still on the steering wheel. Adam was hesitant, unsure in a way he never presented himself to anyone, even his friends. He gently placed one hand on the back of Ronan’s head, turning it towards him. Ronan refused to make eye contact, his entire face shades of red and pink, contrasting against his black jacket and ripped jeans and scar. Adam felt a little more determined and used that same hand to move down under his chin and tilt his head up towards him, forcing Ronan to look him in the eyes. Adam took a deep breath, looking into eyes that were clouded with emotions and questions, and kissed him softly on the lips, and then tentatively, kissed Ronan’s forehead. He could hear and feel Ronan’s breath catch. Adam’s voice was still barely a whisper. “Every time I caught you looking, I felt a twinge of hope. A flutter of possibility before I realized who I was.” He leaned back into his seat, looked at the ceiling, and felt his own face flush. “I secretly looked forward to you crashing here. It made it… easier. To sleep.”

Adam glanced over at Ronan, who took that as an opportunity to kiss him again, more deeply than before. Both boys lost their breath and Ronan moved against Adam’s good ear. “That’s why I would come. Even the floor was more restful than at home.” He stumbled over the last word and Adam couldn’t help but wonder if he meant Monmouth or the Barns.

The two of them sat in their seats, quiet and seeking out answers for questions they didn’t even know they had. Adam desperately wanted to ask, “Why me?” and Ronan couldn’t stand to believe that he is dreaming again. Eventually, Adam’s yawn breaks the silence and he opened the door. Ronan didn’t move. Adam bent down, “Are you coming or not?”

Ronan laughed, a real laugh, low and throaty. “Well, if you insist.” He comeback only tinged with sarcasm.

“Asshole.”

“Shitbrain.” They taunted each other as they climbed up the steps, their insults all the tamer with grins across their faces.

Inside the room, Adam grabbed pajamas to change into and threw his second pair of pajama pants to Ronan. When he left the bathroom, he saw Ronan grabbing his pillow and setting it on the floor. Adam, more nervous than before, took a deep, shaky breath before he put it back on the bed.

“Are… are you sure?” Ronan didn’t know how to react to this action and his hands quivered.

“I’m not trying to fuck you I just…” Adam exhaled, his head hanging, and his voice dropped again, “in the morning. I want to know that this was real and not just a result of my sleep deprived brain.”

Ronan smirked and blushed, scooting next to Adam who had already climbed onto the bed. He had no idea how to approach being in this bed. He’d platonically slept with Gansey a number of times, but this was entirely new to him – a smaller bed, someone he was in love with.

Both of them felt electrified but it didn’t take long for sleep to claim Adam. Ronan watched as his entire body relaxed in a way that he had never witnessed, and he was tempted to touch Adam’s face. Reason won out, and eventually Ronan drifted off to a peaceful sleep. In the early morning hours, when Adam was waking for work, he found himself staring at a calm Ronan, a beautiful entity that he desperately wanted to touch. Finally, he pulled himself out of bed and picked up his phone. In a response to the numerous texts and calls from Gansey, he simply sent, “He’s okay.”


	2. The Mixed Tape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam is convinced to listen past the Murder Squash Song; Ronan is a confused sap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of emo teenage song feels when I wrote this. Also, I adore Ovid and Catullus, which both have supplies for dirty jokes (amongst other Latin authors, tbh). Shorter chapter, the next will be longer.

Adam was dressed for his morning shift at the factory, Ronan still blissfully asleep in his bed. His brain whirled as he processed what had transpired in the last six hours. He grabbed the keys to his Hondayota and as he got to the door, he noticed a little sticky note pressed on it at eye level. _Listen to the CD all the way through._ It looked like it was Ronan’s handwriting and Adam remembers the awful CD that he was given when he got his shitbox that immediately wretched out the Murder Squash song. He grabbed a pen and wrote back. _Okay. See you at school?_

He headed out into the chilly early morning air, wishing he had gotten more sleep but glad he hadn’t. He settled in and started the car up, tenderly turning on the CD player and skipping track one. The Murder Squash song. Again. Adam grimaced and bit down, determined to bear it through. About halfway through the song, however, it broke away to a very recognizable voice.

“Shit. Um if you made it this far, either you don’t hate this song as much as you claim to or you’re bored as hell. But um… listen through these next couple, okay? I promise they aren’t more of the Murder Squash song.” Adam stared at the stereo system, almost drifting off the street on his way onto the main road towards work. Ronan had recorded something for him? On the CD from ages ago?

“I don't want this moment to ever end  
Where everything's nothing without you  
I'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile  
'Cause it's true: I am nothing without you

Through it all, I made my mistakes  
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words

I want you to know: with everything, I won't let this go  
These words are my heart and soul  
I'll hold on to this moment, you know  
'Cause I'd bleed my heart out to show that I won't let go”

As the first song played, Adam’s heart filled with adoration and heartbreak. How long had he been sitting with this CD in his car, unplayed? It wasn’t long before Sum 41 faded off into another speaking moment by a clearly drunk Ronan.

“I’m not good with fucking words. You know that, or else you really are a dumb ass. But these… well they talk better than me. Shit what am I doing?” Adam grinned as Ronan’s voice stumbled off with a clattering sound in the background and a new song picked up. Boys Like Girls, Thunder. Adam had heard it a couple of times, but it had a whole new meaning now.

“I tried to read between the lines  
I tried to look in your eyes  
I want a simple explanation  
For what I'm feeling inside  
I gotta find a way out  
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer  
Do you know you're unlike any other?”

Adam felt silly getting all worked up over a stupid CD with stupid sappy songs, punctuated with an incredibly drunk boy attempting to confess his feelings. Still he couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t remember ever feeling this at peace with himself. Ronan’s voice picked up again, a little more slurred.

“I… Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Adam, I… this summer. Being around you. Gelato and pizza and your stubborn self. Do you have any idea how good this summer was for me?” Adam heard a laugh in the background and deep breaths. “I don’t know why I’m doing this shit. Why am I doing this? Maybe you won’t listen this far in.” There was a sound of crashing and the microphone(?) crashing to the floor and the next and final song faded in. He wasn’t as familiar with this one, a Red Jumpsuit Apparatus song.

“Seasons are changing and waves are crashing and   
Stars are falling all for us  
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter  
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall  
I'll stand up with you forever  
I'll be there for you through it all  
Even if saving you sends me to heaven  
'Cause you're my  
You're mine  
My true love  
My whole heart  
Please don't throw that away  
'Cause I'm here for you  
Please don't walk away and  
Please tell me you'll stay”

Adam’s heart almost stopped when he did in the parking lot of work. He was working hard to pull himself together after the last song. He heard Ronan’s voice chime on, shakier than the last few.

“If you hear this… shit, Adam. I just hope you understand, okay? That you don’t take off because… damn this song? I hear it and I think of a million times I have wanted to help you. Not cuz I pity you… but I fucking hate to see you struggling. I don’t know what you’re thinking of when, if, you listen. But I hope they are good memories. And I really *hic* hope you feel the same…” Adam was surprised to hear his own voice come garbled through the background. “Lynch! Are you coming or are you too drunk off your ass to hang out with your friends?”

The CD turned off and Adam sat in the car. There were so many thoughts on his mind. But one glance at the clock told him he didn’t have time to dwell. He jumped out and ran into the building, trying to put a sarcastic smirking face out of his mind. 

* * *

 

Gansey was surprised to see Ronan at school. After his shock registered, he immediately jumped into a lecture about how Ronan needs to check in and stop scaring him like he did last night and does he understand how crazy and worried he gets?

Ronan is only half listening, nodding at appropriate times. He’d had this lecture a million times. Instead, he was attempting to process this morning. He’d woken up alone in Adam’s bed, wearing a pair of his pajama pants. On the door was a sticky note that mentioned the CD and then Adam replied with a question that there was no real way for Ronan to respond to. He shook his head.

Gansey noticed Adam before Ronan did, who was staring at the sky turning over events in his mind. “Parrish! Did you sleep at all last night?”

Adam grunted with a nod, barely acknowledging Ronan. Adam was exhausted. Last night was catching up with him and his brain couldn’t shut down during his factory shift like it normally did, allowing him some rest time. Gansey glared at Ronan. “Did you seriously keep him up all night, Ronan? You know if you’d just replied to my texts or calls, Adam could’ve gotten enough sleep instead of looking like a zombie.” Ronan looked down, feeling genuinely ashamed that he kept Adam up but also feeling no regret about the previous night. Gansey turned to the other boy, hesitant. “Adam, do you want a coffee? I haven’t gotten one yet…” He gestured towards the cafeteria area, where they sold coffees, teas, and pastries in the morning.

Adam paused, ready to turn it down, but then glanced at Ronan and remembered his words from the night before. He sighed, and his voice came out clipped and uncomfortable. “Yes please.” Gansey and Ronan’s eyes both widened but they didn’t protest and instead brought Adam to the cafeteria for the caffeine he obviously needed.

They shuffled into their first period Latin class, taught by some little old man that might not make it to next year. As was his custom on days he actually attended class, Ronan scribbled naughty verses on the board. This time, they were not original but pulled word for word from Ovid, lamenting his lover’s new prowess.

“torqueor infelix, ne tam bona senserit alter,  
    et volo non ex hac illa fuisse nota.  
haec quoque, quam docui, multo meliora fuerunt,  
    et quiddam visa est addidicisse novi.  
quod nimium placuere, malum est, quod tota labellis  
    lingua tua est nostris, nostra recepta tuis.  
nec tamen hoc unum doleo—non oscula tantum  
    iuncta queror, quamvis haec quoque iuncta queror;  
illa nisi in lecto nusquam potuere doceri.  
    nescio quis pretium grande magister habet.”

Adam shook his head as Ronan sat behind him. Gansey was chastising him but Adam could feel his stare on his neck, which gradually turned red under the perceived look. After the professor scolded the class for the words on the board, he started lecturing on the importance of subjunctives and fear clauses. Now and again Adam could feel Ronan’s presence as he wrote – notes or nonsense, he didn’t know.

As class ended, they collected their books and turned to the hallway. The next class was history. Ronan bore through it while Gansey took sparse notes and Adam took detailed ones. Time slipped away and soon they were one math class away from lunch. Ronan took off instead of sitting through this one and Adam shook his head. After class, Ronan rejoined Gansey and Adam on a lunch table outside. Adam took out his carefully portioned lunch of a turkey sandwich and applesauce. Ronan pulled a bag of fast food up that he had clearly gotten during their math period. Gansey went off to buy his from the cafeteria, promising to not take long – which was always a lie given his popularity.

Adam ate in silence, shaking his head when Ronan offered him some fries. Which led to Ronan rolling his eyes. Finally, Adam couldn’t stop his grin from spreading. “What’s so amusing, Parrish?” Ronan was guarded but curious.

He burst into a laugh. “You’re a sap!” Ronan’s eyes were wide in confusion and then furrowed in embarrassment as he blushed, realizing he was referencing the CD that he had clearly listened to in its entirety. Still, he couldn’t look away from the rare Adam smile and laugh. Adam’s laughing subsided and his voice was a lot softer, nervous. “How long have you been trying to tell me?”

Ronan closed his eyes. “Trying? Never. Not really.”

“That’s not what that CD sounded like.”

“That was a drunk me half hoping you’d listen to it and half hoping you’d never make it past the Murder Squash song.” Ronan was quiet, pulling in on himself. Adam set his hand on his arm, tingles shooting through both of them at the contact. He quickly moved it to grab a few fries.

“What made you change your mind?” Adam thought it was because of the confession the previous night but he was further confused by Ronan’s confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“The sticky note! I have no idea how hard I was sleeping for you to get up and put it there…” Ronan was shaking his head.

“I didn’t. I swear. I didn’t get out of bed until it was almost time for school.”

They looked at each other, deeply confused. But the confusion broke for both of them and Gansey heard them yell in unison as he approached. “NOAH!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments give me life  
> constructive criticism is welcome; i have no beta in my life


	3. Life is like a Ferris Wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miscommunication! Angry boys! Helen/Adam friendship! Tad Carruthers makes an unfortunate appearance!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy if you like boys who can't communicate, Helen Gansey, and awkward Tad Carruthers you are in the right spot. Emotions will run high.

The weekend came quickly. Blue is the first to comment on a change. “Where’s Noah? I haven’t seen him in days.” Her words were tinged with concern but she looked directly at Ronan when she said it. “Did you throw him out the window again?”

“He’d still be around if I did that.” Ronan’s voice was even as he responded to the tiny girl in the backseat. Ronan had been tempted to sit in the back and let her have the front seat, but he thought it might give too much away and he and Adam hadn’t acknowledged what their changing relationship meant.

“Then what would keep him away?” Blue almost pouted, she missed Noah’s company. The two understood each other on a different level than the others.

Adam muttered, not thinking Blue would hear him. “Maybe if he weren’t so nosy, he wouldn’t be ashamed of getting caught.”

Blue’s entire body turned to him. “Say that again, Adam Parrish.” Her eyes narrowed. Even Gansey glanced into the rearview mirror at them. Ronan went quiet.

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” He sighed. “It’s really not a big deal.”

“Are you mad at Noah? Noah, of all people.” Blue was incredulous and even Gansey was surprised.

“Not mad… frustrated, I think. But not mad.” Adam admitted this grudgingly. Truth was, even if he didn’t appreciate the meddling, he did miss Noah’s companionship on this trip. Then as he thought this, Noah started to shimmer into focus.

Ronan glared at him and Noah pushed against Blue. “Hi guys.” Blue wrapped her arms around him.

They finally arrived and got out of the car. Adam went to carry the extra bag of supplies for Gansey, but Ronan stepped between him and Gansey and grabbed it. Adam and Ronan met eyes and Ronan nodded at him. Adam gave him a small smile while shaking his head and rolling his eyes. They entered Cabeswater and the overcast day became brighter. It was like spring, with flowers in varying stages of bloom. A cool breeze washed over them and Noah and Blue raced through, laughing when they tripped over each other. Gansey had a large smile and it was like their emotions were feeding into the atmosphere.

Adam and Ronan knew all too well how Ronan’s mood would do that. They trailed the other three, hands brushing together with a tingle. The few clouds that were in the sky started to dissipate when this happened. They wandered in and out of the woods, marking locations and summarizing what they needed to do. Well, actually, Gansey summarized. The others agreed.

The sky was darkening slightly and Adam glanced at Ronan. He seemed frustrated at something. The next time they were walking, Adam slowed down to where Ronan was dawdling behind. “Everything okay?”

“Everything is just fucking dandy.” The sky was darkening even more and the others were looking up for rain.

Adam grabbed his arm. “Ronan.” Ronan whirled on him. “What the fuck is going on?”

“What is going on? What the fuck is going on?” His eyes looked like they did the last time they were in Cabeswater. Wild, dangerous.

Adam didn’t flinch, though the others were inching closer with concern. “You heard what I said, Lynch.” His own anger was flaring beneath the surface, his mild irritation from earlier flaring.

Ronan’s voice lowered so that their friends, looking on with apprehension, couldn’t hear. “What’s going on is that the last damn time I was here, it was…” He was still on edge. “I thought I was finally getting somewhere. Somewhere I could be fucking honest.”

Adam’s frustration grew. “Honest? I thought you were always honest, Lynch. Isn’t that your thing? You don’t lie? You just don’t tell people things. That’s not lying though, right?” He was trying not to yell. He didn’t throw a punch, as much as he was tempted.

“What the fuck? Everyone has their secrets, right, Parrish? Or are you telling us everything?” Ronan’s voice was clearly dangerous. He was slowly approaching Adam, who refused to back down. He simply steeled his eyes at Ronan’s.

“What do you think, Ronan? Do you think I have anything to hide? I may not be a damn open book but I don’t refuse to acknowledge my own thoughts and feelings.”

“I know what I think and feel!”

“Really? Because it seems like you only are willing to share when drunk or furious.” The rain started. Noah flickered by Blue and Gansey.  “You want to say shit but you hide it within other statements! Then once you do say something, you pretend you didn’t! How is that acknowledging your thoughts or feelings?”

Ronan was silent and glaring. Adam took this moment to step closer, raising the tension. Blue whispered to Noah and Gansey. “What’s happening?”

Noah flittered again. “I can’t tell you.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Both.” Noah was quiet. The rain slowed but the sky thundered. Neither of the boys backed down. Gansey was looking back and forth, unsure of how to progress or intervene. It wasn’t the first time they’d fought but this was a different atmosphere for it.

Adam didn’t move, standing only a foot away from his angry friend? boyfriend?, droplets of rain clinging to his hair. “Why won’t you just admit to what is going on in your head? You can control the weather here. You know that after last time. And you were in a good mood when we arrived. But something changed. So what is going on? And don’t give me that evasive bullshit.” Adam could feel the hurt encompassing his chest, threatening his lungs.

Ronan was tempted to break eye contact. He was tempted to lie. But both of those felt like defeat. He took a deep breath and even quieter, shaky but still edgy, spoke to Adam. “You. I felt like I could be honest with you. Around you. But I can’t be honest and open with everyone and I can’t be honest about you. Do you know how much I wish I could? We were finally being open with each other! Yet you won’t mention anything in public or hold my hand and I am fucking tired of fucking pretending! You want to call it lying? Then what the actual fuck are you doing? You can’t just say I’m lying and pretend you aren’t.” Ronan’s irritation grew as his rant did, but he worked hard to keep his voice quiet so that the others didn’t hear. Adam was dancing with danger, the way Ronan’s voice was barbed and ominous.

“You want to be open? Then why are you whispering? I know damn well what I think and feel. Maybe I didn’t know what it was at one point but I also acknowledged that there was confusion. Yet you claim to not try to admit shit yet when you get drunk you slip and try to tell me. So you are hiding or were and claiming you weren’t.”

“I can’t just tell everyone, you fuckwad! I’m not the only person involved in what I say. I can’t just throw you out into the public! I can take anyone who wants to try and shit on me. You have more to lose.” Ronan finally broke eye contact. He felt defeated. “I’m not going to just let you get hurt. Even if it does hurt when we’re just around our friends.”

Adam was furious now and he was shouting. “You don’t get to make those decisions for me! You can just fucking talk about it! I can take care of my myself, shithead! I’ve been doing it plenty. I don’t have a whole lot more to lose. Don’t treat me like I’m fucking fragile!”

Ronan’s frustration climbed again, even as his heart raced at the sight of the fabric of Adam’s shirt clung to his body. “Fragile? No you aren’t fucking fragile. You have been through hell, though. And why on this goddamn earth, would I risk putting you through hell again?”

“Right, cuz you’re so fucking risky to get to know. To be around you with honesty is just sooooo dangerous. I couldn’t possibly handle what you think or feel or what others would think or feel about your honesty! Don’t give me that shit, Ronan Lynch!”

“I’m just trying to take care of you!”

Adam did lose it. He threw a punch at Ronan. He was not a fighter. He was barely a defender. He barely hit Ronan in the shoulder, but he was caught off guard and they both ended up falling to the ground. Ronan had fallen beneath Adam but his instincts, honed from many fights, quickly had Adam pinned, his eyes glinting. “What. The. Fuck. Adam.”

Adam’s breath caught. Ronan never used his first name. Except for when they had kissed and bared their souls. “Why won’t you just let me prove that I don’t need protecting?” It was a whisper, a plea.

“Because I watched you pretend that over and over with your long sleeved shirts and make up to cover bruises, cuts, scars. I cannot watch you get hurt again!” His voice was a mix of pleading and spitting with anger. At this point Gansey and Blue ran over, unsure of how the boys would respond to the physical reactions – Ronan, a ticking bomb, and Adam, glass easily shattered.

Gansey grabbed Ronan’s shoulder and pulled him off while Blue helped Adam up. Both were glaring at each other, unable to hear what their friends were saying. Slowly, they tuned back in as their breathing slowed. Gansey was yelling at them both, though the sky was clearing up some. “What in the actual hell is going on between you two?”

Ronan and Adam just stared each other down. Adam’s eyes challenging Ronan to prove his belief in honesty, Ronan’s begging that Adam let him care for him. Neither spoke. Blue tried. “Why are you two fighting like this? I thought we were having a good fun day and you two just exploded!”

Adam broke eye contact, shaking his head, water flying around him. “Let’s just go.”

The ride back was silent. Noah had been forced to sit between Adam and Ronan in the backseat as mediator. They parked at Monmouth and Adam started to walk to St. Agnes, since he had been picked up that morning. Ronan watched him slip out of sight and went up to his room. He grabbed a beer and chugged it down, throwing a punch at the wall, filling the room with obscenities and loud music. Gansey, Noah, and Blue sat in the main room, looking for some sort of answers.

“How long do you think this will go for?” Blue whispered to Gansey. She had seen Ronan drink before. Seen him angry. But this felt different.

“No idea.” Gansey also seemed mystified.

They looked to Noah, who was gone. He had moved into Ronan’s room and wordlessly watched him destroy it. He received many glares but simply went to pet Chainsaw, who was not thrilled about the increasing wreckage and noise when she wanted to rest. Eventually Ronan snarled at him. “What the fuck do you want, Noah?”

“Wondering what you’re going to do about it.”

“About what?” Noah didn’t answer. He picked up some glass from the floor and deposited it into a trash can.

“I can’t answer all of your questions. But you also aren’t asking the right ones.” With that, Noah left and Ronan threw himself on the bed.

* * *

 

Adam stared at himself in the mirror. “Bisexual.” He whispered it, feeling the weight of the word roll off his tongue and into the air in front of him. He watched his mouth move, watched as nothing changed around him. He took a deep breath, and spoke a little louder. “I’m bisexual.”

The next morning, Adam slipped out early to avoid the possibility of running into any Lynches while they attended church. He drove to Fox Way and sat in his car, not sure what he was doing there. Eventually Orla came out and leaned against his car door. He rolled down the window with a huff. “Yes?”

A grin snaked across her face. “Wondering how long you were gonna sit out here. You can join us for breakfast.” Adam followed her inside, where a large plate of food was thrust in front of him and an argument picked up about whether women should be required to register for draft like men are. He ate his fill and half listened to the argument, primarily between Maura and Mr. Gray but with Blue interjecting with heated statements. Adam wondered how the amount of chaos contained in one house could feel so much more like home than anything he had experienced.

Blue decided to drag him to Monmouth after breakfast, before Ronan would come home from church and lunch with his brothers. She and Gansey insisted that he help them with homework, which he had stashed in his car just in case he had time while out to work on it. They sprawled across Gansey’s bed and now and again Blue would ask them random questions. “Do you think ligers are ethical?” Adam puzzled a glance at her and before turning back to his equations. Gansey considered it until his phone rang and he stood to leave the room, offering the others a beverage while he talked.

“Oh, you’ll be in town? That would be great.” He raised a bottle of soda and a bottle of juice up to them. They both motioned toward the soda. He set about to pour them some in red cups. “Oh, I’m sure they’d love that. No, really. I’ll set a time with them! It’ll be great.” Gansey headed back toward them. “Mhm. Love you, too. Bye.” The two laying on the bed looked at him expectantly while Ronan slammed into the building. “Oh, good, Ronan!”

Ronan glared and snarled at Gansey. “What do you want, Dick?” He was never particularly pleasant after lunch with Declan, but it sounded like the argument was worse than usual.

“My sister is coming to town for a couple of days. She wants us all to have dinner with her. Tomorrow preferably, but,” he glanced towards Adam and Blue, “we can work around things if need be.”

“I don’t work tomorrow.” Blue was quiet, looking at Adam.

“I don’t work until 6pm, so if we do an early dinner I can make it.” He picked at the cuff of his sleeve, refusing to make eye contact with the person whose presence he could feel radiating across the room.

Gansey’s grin lit up the entire room. “Wonderful! I’ll let Helen know and tell you all when and where.” His smile dissolved though, when Adam started packing up his stuff. “Adam?”

“I have work in an hour and need to drop these off at home and change before then. Keep me updated.” He shuffled out of the room, heart pounding.

Blue glared at Ronan. Instead of their usual stare down, however, he huffed and stalked to his room, not bothering to slam the door closed. 

* * *

 

They planned to meet at a diner downtown at 4:30pm. Adam arrived around 4:15pm on his bike, and discovered Helen was already there, leaning against the wall, scrolling through her phone. Adam felt a little on edge, since Helen had repeatedly joked about kidnapping him. She looked up and broke out a huge smile. “Hey, Adam!” He smiled and joined her. “How’s it going?”

“It’s going alright.” He looked down at his feet, pretending that he wasn’t lying.

She stared at him. “I don’t think so.”

“Excuse me?” His head had jerked up at her response.

“I don’t think it’s going alright. I might not hang out with you that much – but I have a few times and I hear about you from Gansey and this,” she looked him up and down, “doesn’t feel like alright.” She sighed. “I know we aren’t friends, but you can talk to me.”

“You’re Gansey’s sister.” He tried the words out in his mouth and thought about what he had practiced saying before.

“Well, yeah. And if it’s girl problems, who better to talk to than a girl?” She grinned and Adam’s head dropped again. “Is it girl problems? Cuz of Gansey and Blue?” Her voice softened.

Adam shook his head. “No, it’s…” His voice faded as his friends approached. His heart flipped when he saw Ronan. “Actually, can I talk to you later? After work, I mean.” He wasn’t sure exactly why he gave in to the impulse but the words tumbled out before his brain could catch up.

A smile spread across her face. “Sure thing.” She hugged her brother when he got in distance and the group piled into a corner booth. Adam had purposefully managed to sit between Gansey and Helen. He ordered a pancake breakfast with eggs, sausage, and hashbrowns. It was on the cheaper side of things and would keep him full. Plus, he would probably have leftovers for later. As time passed, he grew aware that he would need to go to work soon.

“Sorry guys, but I have to go to work.”

“Do you need a ride?” Gansey looked at him as he let Adam out of the booth.

“I have my bike.”

“What time do you get off?” Gansey kept looking at him, something indeterminable behind his eyes.

“I should be finished around 11pm.”

Helen smiled at him. “Well, I can give you a ride home. That’s around when I’ll be headed back to my hotel. This way you don’t need to bike in the dark.” Her eyes reminded him of his decision to talk to her. The group stared at her and Gansey immediately looked uncomfortable.

“Adam, you don’t need to let her… Helen, don’t make my friends…” Adam interrupted.

“I would appreciate that, Helen. Thank you.” He waved as he walked out to the astounded looks of everyone except Helen.

“Please tell me you aren’t hitting on my friend.” Gansey sighed as he sank into the broken pleather seat.

“Gansey. I think Adam is fascinating but honestly. I wouldn’t do that.” She really was bothered by his assumption.

Ronan stood, and walked out. 

* * *

 

Ronan had parked in a dark corner around the bend of St. Agnes, out of sight. He didn’t want Adam to see him sulking in the sanctuary tonight. He laid there for over an hour, after driving around deserted roads and wishing he could race. He had a beer bottle in hand, but only the one. He heard the car pull up and doors open. His entire body stilled.

Adam had been silent the entire ride back with Helen. It was a surprisingly comfortable silence, with soft rock lowly flowing through the speakers. When they arrived, she climbed onto the hood of her car and patted it next to her. Adam climbed up.

“I’ll be honest, I don’t have anyone I’m best friends with. Not like you and Gansey and Ronan and Blue… so I don’t know how to go about having a deep conversation. Is there small talk? Just jump right in?” Adam laughed.

“I’m not usually a big sharer and didn’t have much for friendship before them, so I wouldn’t know either.” They grinned at each other. She leaned against the windshield and Adam followed suit. The silence weighed over them again and Adam thought of how silences were often suffocating but this felt like being wrapped in a heavy blanket – comforting. “I’m bisexual.”

Helen looked at him, and he stared at the sky. “Okay.”

“You’re the first person I’ve said that out loud to.” Adam sighed. “I never even said it to myself until yesterday.”

She rolled onto her side to really look at him. “Is this something new or just something you didn’t want to admit?”

“I guess I’ve always known. It wouldn’t be okay in my house. My dad…” Adam gulped, and Helen’s hand shifted to cover his. “My dad would say all the time that he wasn’t raising a faggot. So I just told myself that the guys in the ads or on TV… I wanted to be like them. But I knew it wasn’t the whole truth.”

“But something happened that made you confront this.”

“Yeah.” They were quiet again. “I… I get that this is Henrietta. That we’re in the south and this is a small town and we’re at a fancy stuck up school full of jerks.”

Helen laughed. “That’s an apt description of most rich circles.”

Adam grinned a little, eyes still full of sadness. “Yeah. So I get there are risks to being openly into someone of the same sex. If I were still at the trailer, I’d have gotten the shit beaten out of me worse than it was. But, I’m not afraid of it. Not if the pay off makes me feel….” He trailed off, his face flushing.

Helen squeezed his hand. “Happy? Loved? Special? Worthy? Important? Because you deserve all of those things.”

“How did you know?”

“I feel that way, too, sometimes. I know I’m loved. I have an amazing family. But sometimes, your brain doesn’t let you believe that. And failed relationships of all kinds can affect that.” She sighed. “What does he think? Does he know?”

“I thought it was clear. I tried to make it clear but it turned into a fight. He thinks he’s protecting me by… by not being with me. At least not openly. I don’t want to be some… some secret to be ashamed of.” His voice hitched a little and he sat forward, gripping his knees.

Helen wrapped an arm around him. “I doubt it’s shame that keeps Ronan from it.” Adam stilled. Instead of the church, Ronan’s body lurched, and he almost fell off the pew he’d been laying on and crying – a place where only God and Mary could see him. “Adam, it’s so obvious how much he cares about you. I’m not even around that often.”

“The other night… we kissed. And it was… it was my first kiss so maybe they’re all like that but it was like everything in the world was okay and it was like freedom and security and…” Helen laughed.

“They’re not all like that. I don’t think I’ve ever had one that felt like that.”

“It was everything. And he was still there the next day. And I thought we were getting somewhere. Like a relationship was… was a possibility. I don’t want this to just slip away. But he keeps saying he won’t act on it because he wants to protect me from being hurt…”

“And this is what is hurting you.” Adam nodded. “You guys argued over this.”

“We can’t seem to stop fighting. Even after that night.”

“That means you guys are passionate. That you are stubborn and pig headed and yet you keep coming back together.”

“I want to be his boyfriend. I want to take him out on dates. I want…” he blushed. “I want cheesy dates and dates that are uniquely us. I want to hold his hand and I want to be able to go to him when things are shit and I want him to come to me.”

“Tell him that. Honestly. Just tell him.”

“Words aren’t really our thing.”

“You’re doing just fine telling me.”

“I don’t know why I am though.” Adam let out a bitter laugh.

“It’s because I’m an awesome big sister and Gansey doesn’t take advantage of it.” They both laughed and slid off the car. “Seriously, Adam. Don’t hesitate to call or text or whatever if you need advice or to talk. But, talk to him. Sooner than later.”

He hugged her. “Goodnight, Helen.”

He trudged up to his apartment, stripped down, and stared at the ceiling. He saw the headlights shift out of view of his window and jumped when there was a knock at his door.

Ronan stood there, eyes downcast. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Adam couldn’t stop his irritation. He had just laid his soul bare and as nice as it was, it left him raw and nervous.

“Can I come in?” Adam wordlessly let him into the apartment, not even realizing he was only in his boxers. “I fucked up.”

“No shit.” Adam started to pack his stuff up for the next day, since he was apparently not sleeping any time soon.

 “I had a beer.” Ronan scuffed his shoe on the floor. This had seemed so easy in his head, but now, looking at Adam, a modern Adonis, wearing only his faded boxers was making his body do funny things.

“Like that’s new.” Adam’s bag was packed and he laid out his uniform for the morning.

“In the sanctuary. Downstairs.”

“I’m aware of where it is. Again, what’s new?” Adam realized he had nothing left to fidget with in the room so he flopped onto his bed.

“I’ve been here for over an hour.”

Adam sat straight up. “What? Your car….”

“Is around the corner of the building. I didn’t want you to come and look for me.” His jaw clenched, and as much as his previous admission had Adam’s stomach turning, the hard outline of his face was making it that much worse.

“What’re you saying?” Adam’s jaw clenched, his hands bunching into his blanket, panic seizing him and his breath coming rapidly.

“I heard you and Helen. I didn’t mean to.” Ronan whispered, thinking that this confession was more difficult than the ones he would do downstairs. He dared to glance at Adam’s constantly shifting expression. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for listening or sorry for how you acted?” Adam settled on defensive. His arms crossed as he sat on his bed and Ronan slid down the wall, chewing on his leather wristbands.

“For all of it. Look, I know I’m an ass. And I’m really fucking afraid, okay?” Adam walked over and sat next to him, carefully not touching him. “I’m not ashamed of you. I could never fucking be. I am nothing but proud to be your friend, even if we’re shitty at it sometimes.” He chewed on his bands more. “I want to be able to show you off.”

“You don’t think I’m terrified? Ronan,” Adam gestured at the space in front of them. “I don’t have anything to offer you. I wouldn’t even let myself want this until you let me think it would be okay. Then you pulled away like… like you changed your mind. And it is fucking scary. But, I’ve been scared before. And never with the potential for something that would be as good as whatever this is.” He let himself lean into Ronan’s shoulder, which tensed up at the contact before adjusting for Adam’s comfort.

“What is this?” Ronan’s words were a slight shift of wind towards Adam’s ear.

“What do you want it to be? You apparently heard what I want.”

“So we’re doing this. We’re going to be… boyfriends.” Ronan stumbled over the word. It felt strange in his mouth, a foreign language he hadn’t grasped yet. As strange as it was, he felt warmth spreading through his body at the word.

“Boyfriends.” Adam marveled at the word.

They sat in silence, Adam leaning against Ronan, whose arm shifted around Adam’s waist until he started to doze off. “C’mon. You need rest.” He pulled Adam up and towards the bed. He kissed him on the cheek and laid down next to him. They fell asleep, hands entwined.

* * *

 

Adam woke up early, despite not having a morning shift. He felt wrung out from the past few days and all he wanted to do was to relax. But instead, he slowly shifted Ronan’s arm off of him and slipped to his desk, pulling on pants and a shirt on his way. He fell into the usual trance that homework held over him as the room slowly brightened with the rising sun. His phone vibrated on the desk, breaking his concentration. He had a text from an unknown number.

_Did u tlk to him?_

Adam smiled. **He actually overheard us. We’re good now**.

_Yay! :D_

**Thanks for letting me vent last night.**

_Thx for tlking 2 me; it helped me 2_

Adam put his phone down and got back to his essay. It was a while longer before his concentration broke again, this time by warm arms around his shoulders. “Mornin’” Adam’s accent slipped as nerves resurfaced. How was he supposed to act now? Things had definitely changed. The arms around him proved that.

“Morning. What do you have for breakfast?” Ronan moved on to the kitchen, opening cupboards and the fridge.

“Toast.” Adam looked back at his essay, knowing that he wasn’t going to get further anytime soon. At least he had a couple of hours of work in that morning.

Ronan shook his head and grabbed his keys. “C’mon.” They headed out the door and swung by a McDonald’s before heading to school, EDM blaring out the speakers.

The day passed in usual fashion and they headed to Monmouth after a drive. It was nearly 4pm and Blue, Noah, and Gansey were playing Mario Kart. They heard the sounds long before they reached the room but paused before opening the door.

Adam looked at Ronan. “So who’s going to tell them?”

“Can’t we just let them figure it the fuck out themselves?”

“Ronan.” It was a warning, but with a hint of fear behind it.

“Divide and conquer?” He smirked and opened the door. Gansey grinned and greeted them, and finishing his lap, Noah dropped the controller and shouted.

“Finally! I’m so happy for you guys!” He bounded over to give them a hug but was dissuaded at the last second by the pointed looks both guys gave him. He pouted. “I’ve been waiting for this for so long! I’ve worked towards this!”

“Leaving post it notes isn’t considered working towards anything, jackass.” Ronan disappeared into his room to change and Adam sat on the couch by Blue.

“Are you going to fill us in on what is so new?” Blue looked at him and he nodded.

“We’re dating.” Blue and Gansey’s mouths both dropped open and Gansey’s split into a huge grin.

“The fuck is wrong with you?” Blue looked at him concerned. “Did you get injured? Hit your head?” He breathed out a small laugh.

“I’m… I’m happy.” He whispered. Blue barely heard him and Gansey squinted in concentration, trying to hear.

Ronan returned and flopped on the couch across all three of them. Gansey looked at him. “Who all knows?”

“Just you losers.”

“And Helen.” Adam tacked this on to everyone’s surprise. He looked at Ronan’s quizzical face. “She texted me this morning asking if we’d talked yet.”

Ronan snorted. “Of course. I forgot you two were besties now.”

“Helen? Like my sister Helen?” Gansey looked scandalized and Blue laughed so hard that Ronan barely avoided falling to the floor.

“Yeah. We decided that you’re lousy at needing a big sister so I’m replacing you as her younger brother. We’re going to bicker and make up and have midnight heart to hearts for advice.” Adam deadpanned his response and this time, Ronan did fall from the reactions of Blue and Gansey. “Blue, think you can beat me at a race?” The subject changed swiftly as they took turns battling on the game, Noah being the only one successful at Rainbow Road (being a ghost without a schedule had its perks). 

* * *

 

Ronan stayed at Monmouth that night and Adam tried to not be disappointed. It did allow him to get a majority of his homework done and process how everyone responded. They seemed more surprised by his new friendship with Helen than his relationship with Ronan.

As soon as he thought that, his phone buzzed.

_U told Dick?_

**Well, yeah. Ronan and I aren’t going to be a secret.**

_I meant about our tlk_

**That, too.**

_I thnk hes jealous xD_

_He says u don’t tlk 2 him about stuff lk that_

**It’s a little hard when it’s his best friend**

_U told him im replacing him w/ u?_

**Yep**

_Good one! Nite!_

**Good night**

Adam smiled. He had one more friend on his list. He cleaned up and stripped down for bed, ready to face Wednesday. In Monmouth, Ronan fell asleep and woke covered in flowers, much to Noah’s delight.

Wednesday was awful. Adam decided that as soon as he arrived and Tad Carruthers arrived not long after and tried to spend the time talking to him about this, that, and the other thing. He tried to ignore him and get him to leave, but it wasn’t working.

“Really, Adam, you just have to come! It’ll be so much better if you’re there.” He smiled into Adam’s disgruntled face and leaned in a little closer. “You can be my personal guest.” The Aglionby trip camping trip had never sounded enjoyable to Adam. Really, it could hardly be counted as camping in his opinion. They would be in cabins, not tents. They would go boating and have people grill for them. The Carruthers sponsored it this year, so his friends got the nicest cabin.

“I’m not planning on going.” Adam tried to shut it down.

“Oh, please, do come!” Tad would not give up. “You could be my roommate and get first dibs at meal times. My parents suggested a seafood boil.” Adam was saved by Ronan’s arrival and death glare at Carruthers. “Just think about it, okay, Adam?” Tad’s hand lingered on Adam’s shoulder with his final plea and Adam’s entire body froze in discomfort.

Ronan leaned over. “How long has he been flirting with you?”

Adam barked out a laugh. “Yeah, right. He’s been annoying me for over twenty minutes.”


	4. Why is straight the default?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming out isn't a one time thing. It happens again and again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should totally listen to Dodie's I'm Bisexual - A Coming Out Song. Cuz she's amazing and totally a bi icon. 
> 
> Love, Simon makes me cry every time and the book is even better. Watch and read them. Emote.

Ronan drove Adam to school the following morning. They greeted Gansey and everything seemed normal. Ronan wrote comments in Latin on the whiteboard (labellis meis ignoscere debes; libidinem inveniunt in insolentibus locis) and kicked Adam’s chair. Gansey didn’t notice them holding pinkies in the hallways. The three of them sat for lunch in their usual spot, eating their lunches as normal.

The town’s fall festival was coming up. This was a strangely big deal for the school. They worked with the public school and downtown committee to transform the entire town for a weekend – kind of a prelude for the boys going on the camping trip. There would be a handful of carnival rides, hay rides, pumpkins, the whole nine yards. It always had a dance that Saturday night in the public park. Henry Cheng dropped by to talk to Gansey about what the rowing team would be doing and to ask Ronan if he was still a part of the tennis group. Clubs were expected to run booths, sometimes food or games. The rowing team usually did a hot beverage bar with custom coffees, teas, and cocoa. While there, tuning out the fuss, Adam didn’t notice Tad Carruthers approaching from his bad side until he was sitting next to him.

“Hey, Parrish! Getting excited for the fall festival?” Adam felt Ronan’s entire body still next to him and he shrugged, continuing to eat his sandwich. “It should be a great time. I’m helping with decorations. It would be awesome if you could help me out sometime.”

“I tend to be pretty busy with school, homework, and my jobs.” Adam spoke carefully, and squeezed Ronan’s hand under the table, willing him to uncoil.

“That’s a shame. You should at least come to the dance, though. It would be nice to run into you there.” Tad smiled a carefully cultivated smile, unnaturally white.

Adam froze. His brain whirled, replaying every interaction he had had with Tad Carruthers since starting at Aglionby, thanks to Ronan’s comment from the other day. The extra attention that Tad gave him and the insistence of attending his parties or games or whatever he had going on. “Tad, are you asking me out?” Adam felt Ronan completely tense up again and could feel the daggers flying over his head at the unsuspecting boy.

Tad looked down and blushed. “I guess, yeah.”

Adam was cautious with his phrasing. “I’m flattered. But you see, I’m already in a relationship.”

“I should’ve known you were straight and I hope she treats you well.” Tad got up and glared at Ronan’s laugh. “What’s so funny, Lynch? Enjoy watching people get rejected that much?” The sneer was plastered on his face but pain shined through his eyes.

Adam intervened by elbowing Ronan in the gut. “What he is laughing at, I assume, is the pronoun choice. I have a boyfriend.”

Gansey and Henry were staring at Adam. Tad muttered and walked away. As soon as he was out of ear shot, Gansey and Henry were talking over one another. “Attaboy, Parrish! I want to hear all about him!”

“I didn’t expect you to come out here! Who all are you going to tell?”

“I didn’t know you had it in you. Boys and girls? My man!” Henry was trying to high five him and Gansey looked like he was going to develop an ulcer and Ronan was shaking with silent laughter. Adam let his head fall into his arms.

He kicked Ronan under the table. “A little help, please?”

Ronan grinned and Adam immediately regretted his request. But it was too late and Ronan used an overly flourishing voice to solemnly announce, “Gentlemen, please. I think my boyfriend needs a little space to process all the attention. As smart as he is, he was apparently unaware until this moment that Tad Carruthers fancied him and has been attempting to ask him out for over a year or that you, Cheng, were so invested in his love life, and dear Dick, we only have started discussing how open it is. I thought your sister would’ve informed you.” The gleam in his eye had Adam restraining the urge to smack him in the arm, hard. Gansey’s mouth was open and Henry’s face resembled that of a child on Christmas morning.

* * *

 

After a long day at work on Saturday, Adam had his books strewn across his bed. Ronan was tossing a ball against the wall and back to him repeatedly. They sat in comfortable almost silence until Ronan tentatively broke it. “So, Adam,” he paused.

“You only call me that when you’re feeling strongly about something, you know?” Adam teased and rolled over to face Ronan, whose mouth was now on his leather bands. “What’s up?”

“Fuck off.” He mumbled. “I was wondering, or thinking, that maybe you would come to lunch with us tomorrow after Mass?” His heart raced as he put the offer out there. To come out to his brothers with him.

Adam eyed him, his nervousness. “You want to tell them?”

“Well, Matthew, but you know he would say something to Declan so might as well tell them both at once.” Ronan wasn’t meeting his eyes.

“Sure. It’s not like I live far away or anything.” The joke was only half made, an attempt to sooth the tension radiating off his boyfriend.

“And Declan pays. For lunch. He always does. So order whatever the hell you want, okay?” Adam sighed but knew better than to argue this one. Ronan scooted against the bed where Adam could lean on his shoulder. “They don’t know.”

“I mean, I assumed that’s why we’re telling them.”

“I mean. In general. They don’t… I never said any…” Ronan bit at the straps on his wrist more until Adam gently pulled his hand up to his mouth so he could give him a small kiss. “We’re Catholic. They don’t know I’m gay.” Ronan’s voice caught a little.

Adam was starting to get used to seeing the more vulnerable side of Ronan. They had still only kissed a handful of times, and each one left them both speechless and blushing. But they also spoke better with body language than with words and Adam slid to the floor and pulled Ronan against him. “If they have a problem with it, that’s their problem. Not yours.” Adam didn’t really know how to respond. He wasn’t religious.

Ronan kissed his cheek. “I know.” They sat like that for a while, Adam’s arms wrapped around Ronan, listening to each other breathe. Eventually, Ronan stood. “I’m going to head back to Monmouth. My church clothes are there…” He looked as reluctant as Adam felt.

“Alright. Um, should I dress up some?” Adam nervously eyed his tiny closet.

“You don’t have to.” Ronan shrugged. “I’ll be attempting to get comfortable by the time we get to the restaurant.” Adam nodded. Before leaving, they kissed – starting gentle and tender, soft lips pressing against soft lips. They parted slightly and pushed back together, adventuring further. Ronan’s hand cupped Adam’s cheek while Adam’s arms circled Ronan’s waist. Adam’s heart was racing and he slightly parted his lips, allowing a deeper kiss. This time, they parted, breathing heavy. “I should really go.” Ronan looked anxious and Adam just nodded. Ronan kissed Adam’s hand and left without another word, trying to get his body back under his control.

* * *

 

Ronan sweated his way through Mass. He avoided any possible conflicts with Declan, meaning he kept his mouth closed for the most part. He relaxed into the singing and tensed at the sitting, prayers reaching up for a smooth afternoon. It felt like the longest service of his life.

Finally, the three brothers stood and exited the building. Matthew chatted with many of the older ladies from the congregation while Declan talked to some of the men about his internship. Ronan slipped away and upstairs to Adam’s apartment, anxiety twisting his gut. His hand was raised to knock when Adam opened the door, wearing khakis and a dark green t-shirt that complemented his skin and eyes. Adam raised an eyebrow. “Thought I was meeting you downstairs at your car?”

“I needed a moment. Away.” Ronan gestured towards the parking lot and Adam chuckled, pulling on his shoes.

“Well take your moment. But we don’t want to be too late to meet with your brothers. At least, I don’t. I want them to like me.” Adam admitted this as he stood, one arm braced on Ronan’s.

Ronan scoffed. “They’ll love you. You’re smart and responsible and don’t cause trouble.” Adam laughed as they headed down to Ronan’s car.

The restaurant was nicer than what Adam was used to and clearly something Ronan wasn’t fully comfortable with. During the ride over he had removed his tie and rolled up his sleeves, something that made Adam blush and look out the window to keep himself from staring at Ronan’s forearms while he drove. At the very least, it kept his mind off lunch. They walked in and found the table that Matthew and Declan were sitting at when Matthew stood and waved them over with a huge smile.

“I didn’t know you were bringing Adam! Hi!” Matthew gave him a hug and insisted on him sitting next to him. This left Ronan between Declan and Adam, which Adam didn’t think was a great idea. Declan gave Ronan a questioning look that was just a little judgmental.

“I wasn’t aware either. Nice to see you, Parrish.” Declan’s tone was clipped, polite. The waiter came by and took their orders while Ronan fiddled with his leather bands under the table. “What brings you to our Sunday family lunch?” The implications hanging behind those words sparked Ronan’s temper, held in check only by Adam’s hand on his knee, squeezing.

“Ronan thought it would be a good idea.” Adam matched his tone to Declan’s.

“Despite what you two might think, we don’t need a referee. We can have lunch without losing our composure.” Declan gave Ronan a pointed look and Adam interjected again.

“That is not the point of me joining you, although given the last few weeks it seems like an additional presence can’t be of harm.” Adam kept his face collected, emotions carefully masked behind a practiced façade.

“Then, Ronan, why did you ask your friend to join us?” Declan and Matthew turned their attention to Ronan.

Ronan sought out Adam’s hand. “He’s not my friend.” At their surprised looks, he amended. “Well, he is. Obviously. But also not.” He was floundering and irritation was making its way up. Adam sighed.

“What he means to say is, we’re not just friends anymore.” Ronan glanced at Adam. “Ronan invited me so that I could properly meet you two.” Adam nudged Ronan, clearly handing the discussion back to him.

The food arrived and they waited until the waiter left and they had taken a bite to continue. Ronan sighed and mumbled into his meal. “He’s my boyfriend.” Matthew’s eyes lit up and Declan’s darkened a little.

“Ohmygosh you’re dating!” Matthew’s voice was jubilant and a little too loud for Adam and Ronan’s taste. When they shushed him he brought it down to an excited whisper. “That’s so awesome! And gosh so many guys at school are going to be jealous. Did you know there’s a pool in the dorms about you, Adam?” Ronan and Adam looked very concerned at this piece of information. “Anyway, this is great. I’m so happy for you two.” Matthew’s excitement was only curbed by his hunger, during which Declan opted to voice his opinion.

“Have you thought this through?”

Ronan glared. “No, we fucking decided this morning, ‘hey it would be fun to date and tell Declan and Matthew.’ You dumbass.”

“Well excuse me for questioning your judgment, Ronan. It isn’t always something thought out and considered ahead of time!” Adam felt small at that point but also furious.

“Declan, while I am fully aware of some of Ronan’s questionable choices in the past, I think that my reputation would show that I don’t jump into anything without full consideration of any possible consequences. And regardless of my obvious part in this relationship, I would hope that you know that Ronan isn’t the type of person to jump into a relationship.”

Declan sneered at him. “Given his past associations, I’m surprised you would even want to be with him. You can’t say that he hasn’t jumped into anything when he was spending all his nights with Kavinsky.”

Ronan pushed up against the table to leave but Adam used his hand to keep him in his seat. “Perhaps you should be a little more judicious in your assumptions; you tend to date around and that’s your choice. But just because Ronan spends time with someone, it doesn’t mean that he is doing anything with them. I would check yourself and what kind of attitudes you hold toward your brother before you try to continue this line of conversation. Thank you for lunch, and Matthew, it was great seeing you again.”

Adam pulled Ronan to his feet and they stalked to the door. Ronan leaned over the hood of his car, letting out a stream of curses in multiple languages. Adam just stood by, letting him get it out of his system before climbing into the passenger seat and waiting for Ronan to join him. “Let’s drive, Parrish.” Ronan flew out of the parking lot and they raced around roads before stopping at an overlook in the mountains. They sat in silence on the hood of Ronan’s car, hands held tightly together. Ronan leaned onto his shoulder. “Thank you.” It was a whisper, filled with more gratitude than he knew how to express.

“He was being an ass.” The afternoon sun beat down on them until it threatened to leave burns on their skin, even in the fall weather. “C’mon. Let’s head back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my favorite chapter and I had planned this to be a 5 chapter stint so I might end up making it into a series cuz I REALLY WANT TO WRITE PROM but whatev. Comments, concerns, random facts leave them below!


	5. Stuck on a Ferris Wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronan and Adam find their spot in their friendship, relationship, and community

Adam wiped his forehead with a rag. Despite the fall chill, Boyd’s was way too warm. He tied his coveralls around his waist and grabbed his water bottle, draining most of it quickly. He glanced at the clock – 9:30pm. His shift was over in 30 minutes and then he just had to lock everything up. It would be tough getting back to his apartment with all the preparations for the Fall Festival going on. It was only a few days away and just over a week since he had the disastrous lunch with the Lynch family.

The front door creaked open and he called out, “We’re closed!” but when the footsteps didn’t reverse, he assumed it was his boyfriend. He remained leaning against the wall with his water. He was shocked when the eldest Lynch entered the garage space, his pressed khakis and button down starkly contrasting the oil, tools, and grime. “Can I help you?” Adam’s voice was dripping with disdain.

Declan held out his hands. “I’ve come to apologize. I was extremely rude to you and my brother when we all met for lunch. I suppose I was caught off guard at the situation.”

“Okay.” Adam set his water down and leaned back over the car he’d been working on.

Declan tried again. “Look, Adam, I worry about Ronan. He’s… complicated.”

“I think I know that better than most.” Adam’s voice was muffled by the car and he wished he could hear just a little better.

“There’s stuff you don’t know…”

Adam interrupted. “If you’re referring to his dreams, I’m well aware.”

Declan was speechless for a moment. “I just don’t want him getting hurt – from you or because you do.”

Adam sighed and shut the hood of the car. “Declan. Gansey’s given me the ‘don’t hurt him’ speech already. I don’t intend to. We both know where we stand. We’ll fight. We’ll make up. I know there are inherent risks being with him. We’ve faced some of them together, already.”

Declan stared him down. “And what about the rumors at Aglionby? You’re prepared for those, too? What it could do to your reputation here in town?”

“No one at school will mess with a Lynch, first of all. You and Ronan ensured that. Second, I really don’t give a damn what those rich bastards think. And I’m leaving Henrietta after graduation anyway.” Adam started to clean up the garage, placing tools in their proper spots. “Frankly, none of this is your business. However, if you want to be the good brother, how about you apologize to him? And tell him that you’re okay with him being gay.”

Declan’s face made a very un-Declan like expression of shock. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Adam barked out a laugh. “Seriously? He was nervous as fuck to tell you because of how you’d react. Stellar job, by the way.”

“He doesn’t give a damn what I think, Parrish.” Adam stopped his sweeping.

“I told you, you don’t know him as well as you think you do.” Somehow this argument had eaten up his remaining time on the clock. “I have to close up shop.”

They walked out together in silence and saw Ronan’s BMW sitting in the lot, a figure on the hood cloaked in shadows from the faded streetlight and glaring at Declan’s vehicle. Adam approached and they kissed briefly as Ronan slipped down to greet him. Declan stood by his car, watching them drive off, and pondering everything Adam had disclosed during their conversation.

“The fuck did he want?” Ronan shifted gears as they sped towards St. Agnes.

“To apologize.”

“Didn’t think that was possible for him.” Ronan scoffed. They pulled into the parking lot.

“You coming up?” Adam’s voice was soft and Ronan nodded. They climbed the stairs in silence, Ronan still fuming a little. “Hey, I’m going to take a quick shower, get the grease off.” Adam paused in the bathroom doorway as he spoke and noticed the way Ronan’s eyes darkened. His breath caught before he forced himself to enter the shower. It was a look that he saw in his dreams before they took a very deep dive into his desires. Thinking this right before his shower, knowing that he was naked with Ronan right outside the door, was not his best idea.

Ronan couldn’t help but stare at the door Adam had closed as he heard the water start running. His imagination was getting the best of him and he tried to focus on what happened earlier and not his boyfriend showering, naked, just feet away from him. The more he thought of Adam and Declan at the garage, though, the more he thought about how Adam, who stood up for him twice now, looked and smelled when he had walked over to him. With his coveralls tied around his waist, the thin white undershirt clung to his muscles. Ronan knew he could get off on the smell of gasoline clinging to Adam’s unique scent alone. It was like a double whammy, watching him dressed like that.

Ronan groaned. This wasn’t helping. He heard the water shut off and quickly adjusted his position, gnawing on his leather bands to avoid watching the door for Adam to emerge. This was good in theory, but then the door opened and Adam walked out, hair damp, with a soft smile on his face. He sat next to Ronan, head on his shoulder in comfortable silence, letting the physicality of the moment sink in. Moments slid by and Adam could feel himself getting lightheaded with the heady smell of Ronan, or maybe he was forgetting how to breathe with the amount of positive physical touch he was experiencing with someone who took his breath away anyway. He shifted his face into his boyfriend’s neck and pressed little kisses to his skin, enjoying the way his boyfriend’s breath would catch and slowly exhale.

“Can I see your tattoo?” Adam’s nerves jumped as he whispered into Ronan’s ear, which promptly turned pink.

“It’s not like you haven’t seen it before.” Ronan’s tone was sarcastic but he turned and pulled his shirt over his head.

Adam timidly touched a finger to one of the stark lines and Ronan sharply inhaled. “I haven’t seen it up close.” He traced the images inked onto Ronan’s back, fingers trailing gently along the skin, sending shivers through Ronan’s body. When Adam’s fingers caressed the back of Ronan’s neck, he jumped and blushed. “Sorry if that tickled.” Adam’s voice was still soft, marveling at the details ensconced in the tattoo.

Ronan mumbled something Adam couldn’t make out and scooted away to put his shirt back on, abruptly unsettled. Before he could, however, Adam caught his arm. His eyes asked the question he couldn’t and Ronan set his shirt on his lap to let Adam explore the planes of his chest. He closed his eyes, overwhelmed by the way Adam’s hand – his hand! – felt on his skin. He breathed out Adam’s name and opened his eyes when the other boy leaned away. “Could… could I?” He gestured at Adam’s shirt.

Adam’s panic shot through the roof. He avoided taking his shirt off a lot. But, this was Ronan. His boyfriend. He pressed his eyes shut and pulled his shirt off, not even opening them to notice Ronan’s admiring gaze. He almost flinched when Ronan’s fingers met his skin but somehow his touch, tracing his scars and then the freckles that dotted along his shoulders and back, had him relaxing. His eyes fluttered open at the gentle caresses and Ronan paused to kiss him. “You’re beautiful.” He went back to worshipping the details of Adam’s skin, and Adam started to melt under his attention.

The spell was broken by a yawn and Ronan jostled his shoulder. “C’mon. Let’s get some rest.” They climbed into Adam’s small bed, chest to back, the thrill of skin on skin shooting through them as they slowly drifted off to sleep. Adam had never felt so peaceful, so relaxed, trying to sleep as he did then, strong arms wrapped around him. Ronan could barely remember a time when his thoughts were so still, where he didn’t fear sleep, like he did holding Adam against him. The stars shone down through the little window, casting shadows across the two boys.

* * *

 

It didn’t take long for the news to sweep Aglionby that Adam Parrish was taken and by a boy at that. Ronan’s attendance was spotty as ever, and Adam found himself in the spotlight as people came up to inquire about his relationship. Gansey was able to shoo most of the gawkers away, but ultimately it was up to Adam to assert his need for privacy. Turns out the pool in the dorms was multi-fold. 1. Is Adam Parrish into guys? 2. If yes, who is he likely to date, accompanied by a list of guys who wanted that spot.

Adam struggled to keep to himself and focus on his classwork, hearing the buzzing of questions on one side of him. He considered at times shifting so his bad ear faced the class, but that would mean not hearing the teacher well. He found himself beyond grateful for the days that Ronan showed up, his dangerous image a buffer for the curious minded. He admitted as much to Ronan on a late night drive, when they found themselves in the mountains and staring at the stars.

“I kind of miss my invisibility.” Adam’s head rested on his boyfriend’s shoulder. Now that he was allowed, Adam initiated gentle touch at every opportunity.

“Based on that betting pool, turns out you weren’t all that invisible.”

“Maybe. But it was less obvious at least. I just want to do my work and move forward. I don’t need this… gossip surrounding me.” Ronan stilled. Adam faltered, his arms freezing from their excessive gesturing. “That didn’t come out right. I just wish our relationship could be that. Ours. Not something that the school is fascinated with.” Adam’s hands moved again with his attempts to explain his thoughts.

Ronan pulled Adam against his chest. “They’ll move on. Find something new to talk about. And then it’ll just be us.” Ronan pointed to the sky, naming constellations, and pulling Adam down from frustration to relaxation.

* * *

 

The weather turned crisper, the leaves brighter, and slowly but surely the fall festival overtook the gossip waves of Aglionby halls. Everyone involved was stressed with finalizing details and those not involved were planning dates or family visits. It was a relief for Adam, even though it meant that Henry Cheng was now spending more time than usual at their lunch table.

“Ganseyboy! I hear your men are manning a drink booth! Tell me more!”

“Cocoa, coffee, and cider. We’re calling it Vitamin C.” He shrugged. “Blue and I are hoping to spend some time together when I’m not on my shift.”

“Oh, yes, the lady friend!” Henry waggled his eyebrows. He turned to Adam and Ronan. “And you two? Are you going?”

“I don’t see how we could escape it, really.” Adam continued to pick at his food.

“You know what I mean! Is it a big date night? After all, there is the dance. And cozying up with cocoa under the stars…” Henry sighed with a wistful look. Adam glanced at Ronan, who was determinedly not looking at either Adam or Henry.

“I mean, we’ll see. We haven’t really discussed it. I assumed we’d go since Gansey and Blue are going. Though it does seem as if that will be working and then them doing couple-y things.” His hand found Ronan’s under the table, which did earn him a glance and soft smile.

After school, spread across Monmouth’s couch while Gansey went to get Blue, Adam looked at Ronan and contemplated his strange reaction to Henry’s question and his response. “Hey.” Ronan looked at him from the floor where he was tossing items for Chainsaw to fetch for him. The momentary distraction had Chainsaw pecking his hand for more.

“What?”

“Did you want to go to the festival?” Ronan glanced back at Chainsaw but his ears gave him away. “Ronan?” Adam sounded unsure and Ronan got up and walked into his room.

“Need more stuff for this stupid bird.” Adam sighed, returned to his book only to be unable to concentrate. He pulled out his phone.

**Are you busy?**

_Not 4 u ;)_

_Whats up?_

**Fall festival is coming up**

_How romantic!_

**Is it? I don’t know much about these things.**

_Seriously Adam, it is_

_Lk 1 of the most romantic things_

_Actually multiple in 1 setting_

_Fall = cuddling._

_Carnival rides = adrenaline._

_Carnival booths = prizes to show off for._

_Slow dancing!_

_Its lk evry rom-com ever_

**I think Ronan wants to go but he won’t say anything**

_Do u thnk hes a romantic?_

Adam thought about the hand cream and mixed tape and smiled to himself, which Ronan walked out to see. “What’s got you so happy?”

Adam blushed hard and muttered. “Nothing.”

Ronan cocked his eyebrow. “Looks like your phone. Who are you texting? Got a secret girlfriend? Boyfriend?” There was a hint of insecurity in his voice.

Adam snorted. “Obviously. I thought handling you was so simple, I could have multiple people at once. Duh.” He rolled his eyes. “It’s just Helen.”

Ronan nodded, cautiously. “What’re you talking about?”

Adam knew how Ronan felt about lying. “Fall Festival.” Leaving out that really it was about Ronan. Ronan just nodded and leaned against the couch, playing with Chainsaw when they heard the Pig pull up.

**He definitely is a secret romantic**

_Then he wants the rom-com treatment_

**What do I do?**

_What would u do if he were a she_

**Um, flowers? Buy drinks and play a few games? Go on rides?**

_Aim 4 the strength game & the ferris wheel is romantic AF_

Gansey entered and the two flopped on the floor and Noah accompanied them. “Hi, guys!” Noah’s animated voice filled the room as he curled against Blue, who held Gansey’s hand.

Adam smiled. “Hi, Noah.” He paused, an idea forming in his head. “Are you guys excited for the fall festival? I know you and Gansey are going, Blue.”

Blue smiled. “Yeah. Though when he’s working I think I’ll hang out with Noah.”

Noah grinned. “I’ll win you a giant teddy bear! One bigger than you!”

Ronan smirked. “That won’t be hard.”  

Blue kicked him. “How about I win you one?”

“Okay! I always loved the fall festival. It was the best opportunity to flirt with people.” They all looked at him, though he made a discreet but pointed look towards Adam. “What? It is! You can go look at cute animals and watch people get all gooey over them. Listen and dance to music! Share some cotton candy or a funnel cake. Hold hands while taking a hay ride…” He trailed off wistfully before shaking himself back to the present. “Also! You can hide and makeout in the corn mazes. Though I don’t think they’re having one this year. Seriously. Half the fun is the atmosphere – the lights! The love! It’s so carefree and… and lively! Besides, so many rides are made for two.” Noah smiled at Blue.

Ronan was carefully looking disinterested but Adam was accustomed to reading his body language, the tension holding his muscles, which showed just how intently he was listening.

Noah grinned. “Let’s watch Sweet Home Alabama! It’s a rom-com with a sweet scene. Or better yet, Love, Simon! Or Grease. The Notebook!”

Somehow they got roped into watching a rom-com movie. During this, with Ronan against his chest, Adam resumed his texting.

**Any advice? I think I’m going to surprise him.**

_Just be sweet and romantic_

_He’ll provide the rest_

_Good luck!!!!!! :D_

Adam returned his attention to the movie with a gentle kiss to the top of Ronan’s head.

* * *

 

Ronan wasn’t at school on Friday, the day when everything really kicked off. Between classes, Adam texted him.

**I was thinking, we should maybe hangout at Monmouth for a bit while Gansey’s setting up.**

He knew better than to expect a reply, so he shoved his phone into his pocket, adjusted his books, and started off towards his next period.

An hour later, he checked his phone. Nothing there. He decided to check again at lunch, while Gansey and Henry were chatting about all the activities that would be happening. The public high school had set up a duck pond, balloon darts, beanbag toss, football throwing, and ring toss, in addition to food booths. Adam tuned them out, and smiled when he saw a return message, short as it was.

_Whatever_

**I’ll head by around 4:30. Events start around 5 but I’m sure things will run late.**

Adam’s plan was set into motion.

* * *

 

Gansey went straight from Aglionby to downtown to help decorate and set up stalls and booths. Adam managed to slip off campus and towards a florist that was down the road from Blue’s house. Nerves riddled his body, and he was grateful that he was driving instead of biking. The shop was tiny, running out of the living room of an older house and from the street you could see the giant garden that was the backyard between the slabs of a partially broken wooden fence.

Adam entered the front door, windchimes alerting the older lady that he arrived. He had called her in secret during lunch, once Ronan had returned his message. She greeted him with a smile, her apron dusted with dirt. The room was filled with scents of a variety of plants, and Adam could feel the pull of Cabeswater.

“Hi, ma’am. I’m Adam, we spoke on the phone earlier.”

“Oh yes, dear! Such a sweet boy. And I very much appreciate your offer. Those fence posts are allowing critters into the back and they aren’t very sightly for a store!” Her thick accent brought out Adam’s. “I sure do appreciate a good trade off. Though it seems like you’re doing all the heavy lifting!” She chuckled at her joke.

Adam smiled his genuine smile. “Ma’am, I am very familiar with plant life. Your job isn’t as easy as you present it to be.”

“Maybe I’ll keep you on after the fence work to help with the garden if you’re so good.” She shuffled off amongst the rows of flora, returning with a bouquet. “Dahlia, mums, daisies. Shades of red, orange, and yellow.” Adam’s smile grew at the sight of the beautiful flowers.

“They’re perfect, ma’am.”

“Now, I’ll see you sometime next week. Let me know what you need and I’ll make sure to have it on hand. Enjoy your date tonight.” She sent him out the door, flowers in a small dark tin bucket. Adam glanced at the clock on his dash and saw that he had just enough time to change before heading to Monmouth.

When Adam pulled into the dusty drive of the old factory, his stomach flipped. He had selected his best fancy-casual clothing and hoped Ronan would like it. With a deep breath, he emerged from the car, flowers in hand, and walked up the steps to the door. Ronan answered after a short knock, clearly waiting for Adam to arrive.

Adam couldn’t help but give him an appreciative glance. He wasn’t wearing anything particularly unusual for him, but the dark ripped jeans showed off his body and the black Henley clung to his frame. He smiled and handed Ronan the flowers, whose eyes widened and a soft, secret smile. “What’re these for?” Ronan aimed for gruff, but his voice came out a little thick instead.

“I’m taking you out. On a date.” Adam shuffled his feet a little, praying to whatever was out there that he was doing the right thing.

Ronan brought the flowers to his room, leading Adam along with him. “That’s why you dressed like that?”

Adam was immediately self conscious, glancing down at his carefully planned outfit. “Is there something wrong with it?” Ronan turned abruptly from the spot on his dresser he had placed his flowers, shaking his head.

“You look fucking hot.” He flushed when he said it and Adam noticed the way his eyes darkened a little as Ronan took him in. “You always do but…” He trailed off nervously and Adam decided to push his luck, secretly needing the boost of self esteem.

“But what?” His voice held a challenge and he knew Ronan couldn’t back down from that.

He sighed, and used Adam’s beltloops to pull him closer. Leaning into his good ear, he breathed out, “but those are my favorite jeans on you. That green shirt somehow makes your eyes look bluer and you can see your damn muscles and it shows off your shoulders. You look comfortable in it, not like your uniform or work clothes. Shit, Adam, you have no fucking clue how amazing you look.”

Adam couldn’t stop himself from kissing Ronan, hard. He stumbled back at first before responding. After a few intense moments, Adam kissed his cheek. “C’mon. I have a whole date planned for you and parking’s going to be a bitch.”

Ronan laughed. “Your romantic language is so seductive. How could I ever resist?”

Adam rolled his eyes. “Give me your keys. I’m driving but I doubt you want to show up in my shitbox.”

* * *

 

Ronan’s hand rested on Adam’s grips of the gearshift. Adam focused on driving, still not fully comfortable with a stick shift. But Ronan gave him confidence and it didn’t take long for them to arrive downtown. Adam’s prediction about parking was unfortunately true; they spent over fifteen minutes driving in circles around the parking lots hoping for a free spot. Ronan filled the car with his cursing and Adam laughed as they made jokes about who drove what car and that one truck driver who thought his attempt at compensating deserved two spots. Finally, they were parked. Adam jumped out of the car and tried to make it to Ronan’s door but he had already opened it and laughed at Adam’s attempt.

“Really, Parrish?” Adam blushed and muttered under his breath. “C’mon, you dork.” Ronan grabbed his hand and they headed out to the vibrantly decorated streets.

Everywhere they looked, haybales and cheerful scarecrows filled their sight. Children ran around with balloon hats and candied apples. Ronan worked to suppress the smile that threatened to take over his entire face. Even as they had to dodge rampant children, Adam’s hand never left his. As they wandered into the main event, they were assaulted by the tantalizing aromas of fried goods, sweets, and coffee. The booths and games surrounded the central park of downtown, with its gazebo the main stage for the dance later that night.

Adam grinned at Ronan. “Let’s see who scores higher on the strength game! Loser buys dessert.”

Ronan gave him a shit-eating grin. “Dessert before dinner, Parrish? You’re living on the edge.” They laughed as they approached the carney. Aglionby had paid for the carnival rides and a handful of professional booths and games. This was one of those and the guy called out to them. Adam paid for each of them and bowed to Ronan before standing outside of the swing zone.

Adam stood, transfixed when Ronan handed him his leather jacket and pushed up his sleeves. His muscles flexed as he lifted the hammer. Adam watched his muscles ripple under the dark shirt as Ronan swung the hammer and barely noticed how high the lights rose – almost to the very top. The carney made his comments about trying again, but Ronan sauntered over to Adam. “You’re turn.”

Adam grinned. “You’re forgetting something, Lynch. I do manual labor.” Ronan laughed. “And I work on a fucking farm. In case you’ve forgotten.” The teasing sent sparks through Adam’s body. He walked over and lifted the hammer. He glanced back to see Ronan’s engrossed stare on him. Adam took a deep breath, eyed the game, and brought the hammer over his head to slam against the machine. Both boys whooped and hollered, along with some spectators, when the lights shot up the entire machine and the bell rang out over the babble of the crowd.

Adam headed for his boyfriend, who wrapped him in a hug. “You’re such a fucking show off, Parrish.” Adam laughed a full laugh and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand.

“Told you I would beat you. Now about that dessert…” Adam’s blue eyes twinkled with mischief and joy. As they walked towards the food stalls, debating what dessert they should get, they were intercepted by Blue and Noah.

“Adam!” Blue’s voice carried up to the boys, who paused.

Noah appeared with her. “We saw your hit! It was super impressive.”

“Uh, thanks. How’s it going for you guys?” Adam lifted his free hand to rub the back of his neck, flushed pink with embarrassment.

“It’s going great! Blue’s going to win me a teddy bear. Right?” He grinned at her and she gripped his hand.

“Oh yeah! You already won Ronan something, though, didn’t you Adam?” Her gaze drifted to the tiny alien in Ronan’s hand. She grinned.

Ronan stared her down. “Have something against aliens, maggot?”

She sniggered. “Nope. Fits you just right.”

Noah laughed. “We’ll let you two be. Have a good night!” Noah turned to Blue. “Can you play the duck pond? I want one of the glitter rubber ducks they have!” They took off in the other direction.

Adam glanced up at his boyfriend. “I know it’s cheesy…”

“I love him.” Ronan’s snarky grin appeared. “I’m naming him Sledgehammer.” Adam shook his head. “Chainsaw can only play with him if she behaves.” Adam laughed.

“Let’s split some funnel cake and watch people fail miserably at the milk bottle booth.” It was when they were sitting on a picnic table that Adam admitted that he hadn’t attended before.

Ronan looked at him, a multitude of emotions crossing his face. “You haven’t gone on the rides?”

“Nope.” Adam put another bite of the funnel cake in his mouth, and Ronan desperately wanted to kiss the powdered sugar off his lips.

“Looked at the little animals?”

“Nope.”

“Let’s go.” Ronan stood and tried to pull Adam to his feet.

“I’m not going on a ride this soon after eating a funnel cake, Lynch.” Ronan laughed.

“I’m not taking you to the rides yet, dumbass.” He grabbed some of the funnel cake while Adam stood, and after taking a bite, offered a piece to Adam, who ate it right from his fingers, making Ronan’s eyes go wide.

“Where are you taking me then?” They walked, hand in hand, Ronan leading the way and Adam continuing to pause now and again so they could finish off their snack.

“You’ll see.” They walked to the outskirts of the downtown area where a large parking lot had been converted to a fairground of rides. Adam saw a tilt-a-whirl, ferris wheel, carousel, and drop tower on their way past. Ronan noticed his gaze. “We’ll ride those and more. They have these awesome swings and a scrambler. They have this thing called the Enterpriser – it’s like a ferris wheel that also takes you upside down. It’s fucking great. The flying bobs – it’s like a rock and roll circular coaster that goes forward and then backward and your cart it shakes side to side. They also have some kiddie rides.” His eyes lit up at the rides, memories of channeling adrenaline with his brothers floating though his head.

Soon they arrived at an area marked off for a petting zoo. Adam glanced at Ronan, who had a smile. “You have a farm, don’t you, Lynch?”

“Cow farm, asshole. Can’t pet a mini goat there!” He entered, dragging Adam with him. Adam found himself bent over, tenderly touching goats and ducks. Ronan pulled him over to pet a young pig. Adam discovered how playful and kind these small animals could be. He moved to the donkey and sheep. After a while, Ronan pulled him into a building that said Indoor Petting Zoo. “This one is my favorite.”

Adam saw enclosures filled with rabbits, guinea pigs, and turtles. Ronan handed him a hedgehog, and Adam instantly melted. It wasn’t long until he found himself sitting in a pen full of rabbits. Ronan joined him and by holding still, they found a variety of soft critters hopping on them and nudging their hands for petting. Adam leaned into Ronan, petting an attentive white one. “I kind of want one.” He whispered, knowing how dangerous it was to want and how ill equipped he was to have a pet.

“Maybe one day.” Ronan pressed a kiss to Adam’s forehead. A group of children entered the building and Ronan sighed. “Say goodbye to your friend, Adam. It’s ride time.” Adam laughed and kissed the bunny’s head.

They exited the building and Adam only sent one longing glance at it. Ronan pulled him onto all of the thrill rides first thing. Finally, Adam’s stomach longed to return to it’s original position and they climbed onto fake horses, laughing and gasping at the various rides. Finally, it was time for the ferris wheel. It was at Adam’s insistence that this one be last, waiting until the sun had set for the full experience.

Slowly they rose into the sky, the bustling crowds fading below them in the flashing bright lights that illuminated the fall trees and the streetlights that cast pumpkin shaped shadows onto the roads. Adam snuggled against Ronan. “It’s beautiful up here.”

“Yeah, it is.” They looked into each other’s eyes, losing themselves in seas of blue. Adam tenderly kissed Ronan and pressed their foreheads together.

His heart pounding, the words escaped his lips. “I love you, Ronan.” His brain barely registered what he had said when Ronan’s lips were on his again, still gentle.

“Fuck, Adam. I love you. I’ve been in love with you.” They laughed quietly, lips meeting again and again, sometimes barely brushing and other times lingering, breathing into each other’s mouths with hands on cheeks and waists. As they were stuck at the top, riders getting off below them, Adam broke the silence, voice still low.

“Hey.” Ronan looked at him again, and squeezed his hand. “Ronan, if you want stuff like this… this cliché romantic stuff. You gotta tell me, okay? I’m new to this and I can’t read your mind. And I want to treat you right.” Adam’s nerves came through his shaky speech and Ronan nodded.

“Okay.”

“Okay you’ll do that or okay you acknowledge that I can’t just know this?” Adam lifted Ronan’s face from where it had shifted downward with the motion of the ride.

“Okay, I’ll try to do that. I’m new to this, too. And I don’t always want the gooey romantic shit but other times…”

“You want to feel special like that?” Adam prompted, realizing how much he wanted that for himself.

“Yeah.” Ronan smiled at him.

“Me, too. I didn’t realize it before tonight. I didn’t even realize what classic romance looked like.”

“That’s what you were discussing with Helen, wasn’t it?” Ronan teased and Adam blushed. “For fucks sake you were!” Ronan was full on laughing when he helped Adam out of the slightly rocking cart. “You’re such a dork.”

“Your dork.” Adam’s retort wasn’t particularly skillful but his heart was pushing against his chest, swelling in love.

They slowly made their way back towards the food and Adam perched on the same picnic table they had vacated earlier while Ronan fetched them something to drink from Vitamin C. Gansey was working and held Ronan up, trying to swap stories from the evening thus far. Adam was smiling softly, looking at the bustle around him, wondering if he had ever felt this at peace with the world. It seemed each new experience with Ronan buoyed him up to a new threshold of wonderful. Lost in his thoughts, he barely registered the footsteps approaching.

“Hey…” Adam spoke and paused when instead of Ronan, Tad Carruthers was standing by him.

“Hey, Parrish.” Tad spoke calmly, but nervously. “I saw you over here alone and thought I’d say hi. And that I heard how well you did at the hammer game. No one from Aglionby knew you were that strong.”

“Well, uh, thanks.” Adam was unsure how to proceed with the conversation, and the awkwardness between them was more tangible than Noah.

“Are you here with anyone?” Adam couldn’t believe his gall. Adam had already told him he was in a relationship.

“Yes. My boyfriend.” His voice was curt. Tad nodded before excusing himself. Adam stared after him in confusion until Ronan showed up with two hot chocolates. Adam filled him in on the strange exchange and Ronan just laughed.

“He can’t help himself. How could he? Seeing you, knowing for sure that you’re into guys… awfully tempting.”

“I’m in a relationship and he knows that!” Adam was irritated.

“I’m sure Blue has a million terms for guys like him that don’t know how to accept even that as an answer.” Adam huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, you’re right.” They sat in silence, and they heard the music start over by the gazebo. “Hey, boyfriend, let’s dance?” Ronan took his hand as they neared the country music. Mostly they watched during the more upbeat songs. Ronan could dance, but country music was out of his realm. Adam wasn’t sure he could dance to anything. Blue, Gansey, and Noah were out on the grass moving to the music.

Hunter Hayes’ Wanted streamed out to the crowd and Ronan held out his hand to Adam. They moved toward the crowd and Ronan’s hand snaked around Adam’s waist, pulling him close but not quite flush against him. Adam’s hand rested on Ronan’s shoulder and the other one held in Ronan’s as he guided them into motion. Foreheads resting together, eyes locked onto each other, they escaped into a world of their own making, more personal than Cabeswater.

A small portion of the dancers had paused to gossip over this development. Adam and Ronan didn’t hear the whispers that Blue and Gansey did. “Parrish is with Lynch?? What the hell?” and “How did Lynch win him over?” Tad stood to the side, shock and pain coursing through his body. Matthew Lynch was shutting down any naysayers, using his size as intimidation in a way that was at complete contrast to his usual self.

They didn’t see Adam’s dance storm away in a drunken haze, or Declan’s surprised but appreciative look. They didn’t notice Noah’s jubilance or Gansey and Blue’s slow dancing. As the song wrapped up and Adam shivered, Ronan put his leather jacket over his shoulders, walked them to his car, and drove them back to St. Agnes for more tender words and gentle kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this ride!! I can't leave this story alone and instead of adding more chapters than initially planned, I'm going to make a series of it, so keep an eye out.  
> If you liked this, please kudos!  
> If you have any questions, concerns, comments, or random facts, please tell me! Nothing I write has a beta so it's all me and I really like your feedback.


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